The Handmaid’s Tale, last night and a stream of consciousness 

I watched the first episode of the Handmaid’s Tale earlier, loved the book and film when I was at college.

The first time I watched it I only empathised with the Handmaid’s (obviously). I’m not sure if it’s the current situation I’m in or how they’ve written this adaptation, but I found I also felt very sad for the commander’s wife.

Last night my friend who had a bit of a go at me re: my Instagram post came out and we had a brief chance to catch up. She and her husband are coming for dinner in the week, so will be interesting to hear what they’ve been up to (they’ve been living abroad for about 18 months). 

I nipped out for a drink with some of the girls, many of which I haven’t seen for a while as they’re not my main group of friends. A few of them already have children and are thinking about having more. It was hard listening to them discussing how they’d love to have a boy or girl next time but I knew I had to just let it wash over me.

I said to my husband as we were walking home that I was a bit jaded by it all. My friend who’s back has had bad news and has found out she may only try to conceive 6 months at a time because of the medicine she will now be on for life. She said as soon as they go home they’ll start trying for number 2 (number 1 is only 6 months old).

She actually said to me “I hate the idea of knowing that we will have to actually try to conceive this time”. I did all I could to not respond. We’ve been trying since before she got married in 2015….

Obviously I feel terrible for her, it sounds awful. But there is also that disgusting bit of jealousy and contempt that I hate myself for feeling. I said to him, if they get pregnant with number 2 before us, I will be so disappointed. It’s very hard in ways I don’t feel I can discuss it with anyone I know… how I feel embarrasses me.

I’m grateful for this outlet. The hope and support I see here, while still a n00b to this world and app (I haven’t figured out how to find many blogs to follow yet), is comforting.

I’m due in 7 days and as you’ll appreciate it’s the worst part: not knowing. I had 2 single gins last night and trying not to have a drink as I’ll always wonder if that screws it all up. 

On Tuesday I had to cover my boss at an evening work event, where our boss boss insisted I drank champagne with him and customers. It wasn’t so bad but it was a week after ovulation so not sure I should’ve given in. I blame myself for not being stronger.

Didn’t help that some of my friends started saying how great my skin looked last night. They called me radiant and glowing and it was exactly what I didn’t want to hear. I don’t want to get my hopes up as I’m not convinced this month will be Joy… 

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